soul

Roots twist and writhe up through the ancient earth.

They belong here, nowhere else. But the where is irrelevant.

They come together, merging into a mottled, wooden knot.

Moons pass. Winds howl. And still they creep. Their veiny hands reach further into the dirt, and simultaneously up to the starlit sky.

Centuries pass. Perhaps. Or is it hours?

A flame flickers to life inside the boxy wooden mess of roots.

Small. Terse. Unsure of itself. But not to be extinguished.

It burns. Feeding off the cool night air. Growing stronger with each passing second.

From afar, passers by  can see the warm light from within. Dim though it is.

Its red flare claiming the oaken home as its own.

As the sun passes overhead the small flame grows. Etching out its space.

It is unconcerned with you. With time, and all earthly things. It cares only for what is within its walls.

Beneath the fire-lit hull is darkness. Above is darkness.

Only darkness exists. Outside.

Inside there is light. And warmth. It grows. We grow.

Entwining forever into the roots. The tree feeding off of its small flame.

Never doubt the fire inside.

It keeps the darkness at bay.

LR_2018

Enough

Never good enough. Never enough.

Always behind. Broken. Wrong.

Different.

Different!

How did I become different. What is different?

That label affixes itself to me like glue.

Why?

I get the call, thank you, no thank you.

You aren’t good enough.

Who makes that standard. Who makes enough. Or good, even.

What if I’m more than enough. What if im bad?

What if I’d rather be bad? More than enough bad. Sounds good to me.

Reverse the narrative. Set the rules

I won’t play on your playground anymore. I won’t live by your rules.

They aren’t real.

Set by nature, yes. But real? No.

An indistinct line drawn in the sand. It can be washed away by water. By time. By winds and rain.

Will I ever be good enough?

No.

Is that what I want? I thought so.

But now I see value in not enough. In more than enough.

It doesn’t hurt less. Yet. But it will. Once I shed these wasted tears and step out into my new skin.

Mottled and hard. The touch of a dragon, the color of a raven.

What’s inside is dangerous and bold. Strong. Scary. And scared. Creative and beautiful.

But good? No. Certainly not good.

Never again

This is not a poem.

The end.

LR_2018

Fly Away Home

Where do you go, little bird?

When you’re not here, where do stay?

You flit from vine to vine in my mind, filling me with promise.

But then you soar away into the night, leaving me alone.

Where do you roost, little bird?

When you’re not with me, where do you sleep?

Are you with another, teaching her how to fly?

I miss you, my sweet Raven.

My feathered muse.

But I’ll let you fly free.

Just please, please fly back to me.

LR_2018

Standing here, broken

I don’t know what else to be but me.

I am standing here before you, broken

And empty.

A shell of myself.

Not devoid of love. Quite the contrary.

So full of you. So full of life.

The crisp air on my cheeks stirs my insides

Attempting to awake me.

But here I stand.

No map.

Not sure where to go. Not sure what to do.

Every step forward is full of fear.

On rotted floorboards. Will I fall through?

I just keep guessing

Keep praying

Keep moving forward until the path is found.

Or forged, I guess.

I don’t do it to leave you alone.

Pain is never my intention.

But standing still

Terrifies

Me.

Shakes me to my core.

Falling into darkness.

So I stand here, broken.

You see me, all of me, naked

Until I take the next step.

Grab my hand in case the floor gives way and I fall

Into nothing.

LR_2018

Single

But not in the sense you’re used to.

Alone for eternity.

A bloodline evaporated.

No past, present or future to share.

No memories to revel.

Never a priority. Instead, an after-thought.

Promised nothing.

I’ve believed you were there.

I see now, your allegiance lies elsewhere.

Nothing gained or lost.

Just an empty existence.

You fill the void where you can.

Something to everyone.

Something you’re not, maybe.

A crack in the plate that makes you, you.

It fills with searing hot loneliness.

You gag on it.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Sulfer fills the air.

There is no silver lining in this existence.

No spoils of war.

Just static. Never changing.

The world stops spinning for an hour.

And you realize, you have nothing

But the clothes on your back and the

Sins of your past transgressions.

Letting go of it.

Breathing in this new enlightenment.

Let go of the rules.

The expectations.

Step out of your molting skin.

Reborn. A new birth.

Become the black crow

Your soul has longed to be

Fly away into the night.

Alone.

Untethered.

No wind to lift you.

Nothing but your own wings

And a sense of hauntingly beautiful dreams.

LR_2018

living for it

I’m just so tired of the draining monotony.

The constant struggle.

The being twenty steps behind

and not having any control over my life.

I’m so worn out by the agitation and undulating pain

of an existence that is suffering.

The addiction to escapism is real.

It’s a portal to a world where problems belong to others.

Not me.

And my children.

These beautiful innocent souls.

So shrouded in pain and intolerance.

Surrounded by depression and ignorance.

They are beams of light.

Fresh air bottled up and sealed with each new day.

Being near them makes your lungs fill with air.

Air that hasn’t been breathed in years.

In centuries maybe.

I long to hold them tight to my chest

and battle anything that threatens to steal their light.

To extinguish their lumenescnese

Including myself.

Knowing that I will be the bridge leading them to an unsafe world

where they will experience pain and suffering

so that they can grow and become

who they’ll become.

And yet.

Here I am.

The pain in my chest radiating out

like a toxic dose of sugar coated dread.

The pressure pushing down on my shoulders

never allowing me to stand straight.

The fear.

Oh the fear.

The fear is the worst.

I am defined by it.

Managed by it.

Consumed by its unholy embers.

Burning into my soul.

Fear of losing it all.

Fear of failure.

Holding too tight.

Because, in the end. It matters.

Every second of existence matters.

Each breath and thought and sound and movement matters.

It is all so very poignant.

So prominent.

So poetically perfectly imperfect.

I want to give up and flee.

To run and hide.

To have someone remove the boulder I’ve placed on my own chest.

But there is no one there.

No hand to grab.

No light at the end of the tunnel.

Just shame.

And me.

And a shovel.

And two beautiful beacons of light to guide my way.

LR_2018

Sleeping In

A glass box

Four walls.

One above me.

One below.

Two to the sides.

A glass box that allows me to see out into the night.

To watch the people around me.

They crawl over my box.

I press into the back of the box.

Desperate to escape their scrutiny.

Oh, they don’t see me.

Or my eternal cage.

They step up onto the box

and continue on their way.

I watch wide-eyed as they wrinkle and droop,

skin sagging toward the wormy earth.

They never see me there.

Watching. Never taking part.

I breathe in the air of my prison.

It sustains me but not more.

I watch as it turns to dust.

Forever encapsulated.

Free to leave but never daring escape

Seeping In

What is wrong?

With me.

Where do I begin?

Are these thoughts cancerous

or benign?

Where did they start–

where do they end?

 

At the tippy top of myself is a strand of string.

Cotton.

White.

Laced within itself.

Wrapping around itself.

It snakes through my being.

Down through my throat,

around my wrists.

It coils around my entrails until it exits

out through my heels.

 

I am knotted up inside by that very rope.

Wound so tightly.

The rope props Me up.

It is me.

Am I it or is it me?

Or are we one entity at all?

 

Together we move forward

through the seconds that create existence.

We figure out how to bend and distort

our body towards new and usual things.

 

We face them. Who are we?

What is wrong with us?

In the mirror, my lifeline disappears.

I am encapsulated in a relatively harmless organ.

It defines me… to some.

 

There is no face.

No name. No identity.

Decades of living what others want.

But who am I?

What is wrong with Me?

Is my string wound too tightly?

Too loose?

Am I moving–I don’t even know anymore.

 

Undulating towards the room

I face another entity.

Shrouded in royal blue.

Who are you?

IS there something wrong with you too?

Our ropes look different.

 

It shuffled away.

 

I’m none the wiser as to who they are.

Or me.

What is wrong with Me?

 

Is it even worth noting?

 

_LR_2018

 

In Here, I Am me.

this is a rebirth, of sorts. a removal of a shell. a cracking of an old adage once thrown upon my being. as if tossed in tides and wrapped in nets.

this is finding who i am. shining a dim light into the lost recesses of my mind, and hopefully coming out the other side.

this is for posterity. for the past. for my heritage. this is becoming me.

welcome.